A New Day . . .
Even as I have let things go, I still find myself running to catch up.
I feel like I'm stuck in a time warp - a Groundhog Day loop of getting it all right for a day and then watching it all come crashing down, only to start over again. I don't know that this is necessarily a bad thing. It's a bit irritating, but it is kind of nice to get the chance - over and over - to get it right.
Get what right? Get food right. Get practice right. I fight so hard to be perfect when I know that it is pretty much completely counter-productive to any form of success. And still, I fight for it over and over . . . and then I slide down the slope - I skip a practice when I know I have less than a month before I compete, or I eat something not best for me, or too much of something else because, you know, it's a celebratory occasion . . . Really? Really?
And then, finding myself like Sisyphus, at the bottom of the hill, I start again. You would think I would have it all figured out by midlife, wouldn't you? Um . . . yeah, no. And so, every day, I work to be gentle with myself, and I work to listen to my body, and I work to create an atmosphere of success and openness where I can flourish.
And as I am working my way back up the hill, I wonder if other people struggle the way I do . . .
Do they have to catalog every bite that goes in to their mouth? Every step they take? Do they have to practice constantly to get errant fingers to cooperate? Do they have to start over every effing day? And what if they do? Their story is not mine. And so I work to stop comparing myself to others . . . I mean, really, it's neverending, this business of letting go.
I read somewhere once that if we took everyone's troubles and struggles out and put them in a basket for all to choose, that we would each still choose our own - because, you know, the devil you know is always better than the one you don't. I have been extraordinarily lucky in my life thus far - and I have been good at many things, successful at many things far beyond what I could have ever dreamed. That I have been struggling with two things I'm not quite as good at, is really no surprise - the surprise is that I chose these things. In the past, I was never willing to fail the requisite number of times to succeed - and so I chose only things I was good at - things that came easily to me.
That I'm struggling so mightily now seems important somehow - that wherever I get and whatever progress I make is somehow sweeter because I am having to fight mightily for it. And in the grand scheme of things, is it really that devastating that I have a the same spare tire (very common in middle age when our bodies often change shape) around my middle that my mom had? And if I never get out of Grade 4 as a piper, will the Universe collapse? No, certainly not :-)
Time marches on - and these things are only important to me - they have no greater impact outside my sphere of existence. And truth be told, I'm sure most would find them petty concerns - and yet, they are mine and are important to me. But even as I struggle, I am grateful for every day, because I believe I will have many days to come to get it all "right." Many days, where others may not . . . and yet, tomorrow is promised to no one, so I had best get cracking here - it is, after all, a new day.
I feel like I'm stuck in a time warp - a Groundhog Day loop of getting it all right for a day and then watching it all come crashing down, only to start over again. I don't know that this is necessarily a bad thing. It's a bit irritating, but it is kind of nice to get the chance - over and over - to get it right.
Get what right? Get food right. Get practice right. I fight so hard to be perfect when I know that it is pretty much completely counter-productive to any form of success. And still, I fight for it over and over . . . and then I slide down the slope - I skip a practice when I know I have less than a month before I compete, or I eat something not best for me, or too much of something else because, you know, it's a celebratory occasion . . . Really? Really?
And then, finding myself like Sisyphus, at the bottom of the hill, I start again. You would think I would have it all figured out by midlife, wouldn't you? Um . . . yeah, no. And so, every day, I work to be gentle with myself, and I work to listen to my body, and I work to create an atmosphere of success and openness where I can flourish.
And as I am working my way back up the hill, I wonder if other people struggle the way I do . . .
Do they have to catalog every bite that goes in to their mouth? Every step they take? Do they have to practice constantly to get errant fingers to cooperate? Do they have to start over every effing day? And what if they do? Their story is not mine. And so I work to stop comparing myself to others . . . I mean, really, it's neverending, this business of letting go.
I read somewhere once that if we took everyone's troubles and struggles out and put them in a basket for all to choose, that we would each still choose our own - because, you know, the devil you know is always better than the one you don't. I have been extraordinarily lucky in my life thus far - and I have been good at many things, successful at many things far beyond what I could have ever dreamed. That I have been struggling with two things I'm not quite as good at, is really no surprise - the surprise is that I chose these things. In the past, I was never willing to fail the requisite number of times to succeed - and so I chose only things I was good at - things that came easily to me.
That I'm struggling so mightily now seems important somehow - that wherever I get and whatever progress I make is somehow sweeter because I am having to fight mightily for it. And in the grand scheme of things, is it really that devastating that I have a the same spare tire (very common in middle age when our bodies often change shape) around my middle that my mom had? And if I never get out of Grade 4 as a piper, will the Universe collapse? No, certainly not :-)
Time marches on - and these things are only important to me - they have no greater impact outside my sphere of existence. And truth be told, I'm sure most would find them petty concerns - and yet, they are mine and are important to me. But even as I struggle, I am grateful for every day, because I believe I will have many days to come to get it all "right." Many days, where others may not . . . and yet, tomorrow is promised to no one, so I had best get cracking here - it is, after all, a new day.
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