Out of Focus
That's how most of my days seem lately - kinda blurry.
We got the tail end of Hurricane Cristobal where I live, and it caused severe thunderstorms and even some tornadoes. The worst of it seems to have passed through now, though. It's a sunny morning today. :-)
When I was a kid, there used to be a breakfast cereal commercial where a kid was complaining that "the sun's in my eyes and there's a hole in my paddle," blaming his inability to move forward on not having had the right breakfast cereal. I, unfortunately, cannot find this commercial on YouTube, which is amazing in and of itself, since everything seems to be somewhere on the Internet these days. I also cannot find that right breakfast cereal . . . most days lately feel like there's a hole in my paddle. I'm getting nowhere.
While I can identify how I feel, I can't seem to move forward in any meaningful way during this time of pandemic. The pervasive fear and knowledge that if I were to catch the virus things could go very badly for me, are never far from my consciousness. My house isn't cleaned up. Projects are not completed. Laundry isn't done, and my personal hygiene is a bit lacking (I mean, who needs to shower daily when you almost never go anywhere? And untoward chin hairs - they're covered by the mask). Clearly I haven't lost my sense of humor, but the sense of overwhelm is real, and somehow I'm not quite OK. Most of my extended family members have been home with their spouses. I am alone. I find myself spending too much time in front of the telly, or playing a game on my iPad, or both at the same time. It doesn't help that about a week ago I tripped on the porch step and fell over, spraining my wrist and ripping open one of my knees in the process. Ugh. I'm "dancing through life" in that skimming the surface way, and I know it's not best for me.
It's not like I don't know what to do - but I seem flummoxed most of the time. I never got to build a new routine for myself when I retired and that seems to be a big piece of how I'm not doing so well. I left the firm, had one great week, and then the world went sideways. And now, here I am, three months later, floundering. I'm uniquely well-suited to be on my own because I grew up as an only child and I've done pretty well up to now. I don't know why I haven't been able to build a new routine for myself in what seems to be our new normal, but I haven't and it's not great. So, I made the decision to get back in touch with my former therapist, who moved to another part of the Chicagoland area a few years ago. Now that insurance is covering telehealth, I can "see" him again and hopefully work through this rough patch. We got to talk yesterday and it was helpful. Morning pages were written this morning - out at the kitchen desk, which is currently more accessible than my office (which is better than it was but still not conducive to much more than being online).
And I remind myself to breathe . . .
And I remind myself that . . .
All shall be well,
And all shall be well,
And all manner of thing shall be well.
And I keep hanging in . . .
Comments