Why is it so hard to take care of myself? How did I get to be the person who does what everyone else wants instead of doing what's best for me? How did I get to be the one who takes care of everyone else before I Take Care Of Myself? I'm struggling with this and I'm not even a mom - there's no one else to worry about except for myself right now.
That's what's on the radar today - listening to my body, listening to my heart and honoring what they are telling me. That's part of what Lent is about for me this year - taking better care of myself. Let's face it - if I do not take care of my body and heart and mind, I cannot be surprised if one or another of them betrays or fails me. And if they did, it wouldn't be their fault - you wouldn't expect a car to run like a top on sugar and junk, would you? And yet so often I expect my body to do just that! And so I have pulled out the Weight Watchers stuff and the journey is begun. A road that is not unfamiliar, I'm afraid . . . and yet the struggle with the size of my ass this time seems more important somehow than in the past.
And so, I'm listening, I'm learning, I'm making the choices I need to make to take care of myself, and it's not easy. This is not an easy path. I'm the strongest person I know, but I am weak here. Filtering all my choices about activities and food through the constant "is this best for me?" "will this help me accomplish my goals?" questions - this is new for me. Really thinking and making conscious choices for myself in this arena is - embarrassingly - virgin territory for me. And yet I have a feeling that others must do this all the time and think nothing of it.
And so, that's the head space today, in mid-February, in the grip of winter - perhaps this is the winter of my discontent . . . perhaps I am finally discontented enough to move forward.