Wednesday, January 4, 2012

Checking In

The first weigh in after a good first week is usually heartening.  This one was no different.  I was down 6.6 on the scale today.  Yay Me!  I've decided to only weigh at my weekly WW meeting.  Weighing mid-week here on the scale at home never does me any favors.

I've been thinking about something my friend Amy, the Writing Weaver said in one of her comments, about taking an overall view of her body and then attempting to come to terms with it being just a number and learning to be happy with the body she has this year.

How awesome is that?  :-)

I have come to believe that in order for me to be successful on this path to myself, that I must embrace myself right where I am, right now.  Not 20 pounds from now.  Right now.  The self-hate and shame surrounding size and numbers that I have carried for so long is not best for me.  Baggage.  Baggage that no longer serves me.  How do I let it go?  It's followed me home more times than I can count.  I think that to truly let these painful things go, I have to embrace them, and thank them, and release them.

There's that word again.  Release . . .  Webster's defines it:  "to set free from restraint, confinement or servitude."  Well.  Self-hate.  Shame.  Restraint.  Confinement.  Servitude. 

Alrighty then.

So, here we go . . .

Body 'o mine, thank you for getting me this far.  You have done just a completely awesome job of taking care of me, and keeping me safe.  You are strong, and really quite healthy.  Thank you for that.  Thank you for sticking with me, and not giving out on me.  Thanks for all the pleasure you have afforded me.  Thank you for have all working parts.  Thank you for getting me to the train and to work every day.  Thank you for sleeping so well.  Thank you for dancing so well.  Thank you for doing such an awesome job. 

I'm sorry for all the times I hated your appearance.  Felt disgusted by your size and shape.  Or made fun of you first before anyone else could.  I am so sorry.  You have nothing to be ashamed of.  You are beautiful, just as you are.  Thank you.  I love you.

Body, you get to rest now, and let me take care of you.  I'm listening to what you're telling me, and I hear you.  You don't have to take care of me any longer by yourself, because I'm awake now, and I'm making the decisions.  You've done so well for so long all on your own.  I'm honored to step up.  Think what an awesome team we are!  You have nothing to be ashamed of. You are beautiful, just as you are. Thank you. I love you.

All that stuff we've been carrying around - I'm just going to set it down here.  Body, we don't need it any longer and we'll move faster without it.  You can trust me - I'm listening to you.  I hear you.  But that suitcase - it's just an old suitcases full of crap we don't need anymore.  A suitcase full of shame, restraint, negative self-talk, confinement, anger, and yes, servitude.  I don't think we're going to miss any of that stuff at all, Body.  :-)

I'm currently reading Brené Brown's book, I Thought it was Just Me (but it isn't): Telling the Truth About Perfectionism, Inadequacy, and Power.  I high recommend this book.  I would like to share with you her presentation at the TEDx conference in Houston in 2010.  It takes about 20 minutes to watch.

It's worth it.


Kristyn said...

Congrats on the loss! I too only weigh in once per week. Otherwise the number changes drive me crazy.

A :-) said...

Thanks Kristyn! Yes, I was weighing at home as well as at my meeting, and it was really messing me up. It will be a challenge to wait until my meeting on Wednesday . . . but that's my plan :-)

Amy said...

Good for you. It really is hard to just accept who we are. I am trying.